Derm News Briefs for 4/1/09 (April Fools!)

($#@=-> The North Carolina Department of Transportation (NASCAR) announces "DuMagSonBoro"
The North Carolina Dept. of Transposition announced a plan today to merge Duke, Gregson, Mangum, and Roxboro Streets into a single "arterial-connector-conveyance-thing" roadway which will connect Highway 147 with Interstate-85 and be 56 lanes wide. The roadway will be one-way, north. "We expect a significant improvement in travel times between the two highways," said chief engineer Twitchy McConcrete, who appeared to bristle increasingly with each question from the press, eventually flinging spoonfuls of hot asphalt from from a cooker behind him into the crowd to disperse them, yelling "Numbers don't lie, train pansies!"


Rendering of the proposed DuMagSonBoro Road.
(Courtesy North Carolina Department of Transposition)

!=+}->Neighborhood Implosion Services: "Sorry about all the houses."
Intermittence Sitstill, head of the City of Derm's Neighborhood Implosion Services (NIS) made a startling announcement today that her department was "Sorry about all of those houses and other buildings. We were sitting around the break room the other day talking about how much the city talks about plans to end homelessness, sustainability, etc., and I was like - dang! We just knocked down three houses this morning!" Sitstill said that she realizes that there is nothing that can be done to put back the demolished structures, but her department has begun "Operation Whoops" which will place "Sorry!" signs on places made vacant by demolitions by her department. Per sources, deputy director Pink Clawson was peeved by the announcement; councilwoman Dora Coleslaw-McFlailin was reported to be engineering a split of the department into "at least three" new departments to allow demolitions to continue.


Recently installed sign at the conner of Angier Ave. and Guthrie.

&^$->County announces Aiport Initiative
Sources have super-strongly hinted that Durham County plans to unveil a new public-private partnership with the RDU Airport Authority next week which will "leverage the skills of both entities." For its part, Durham County has evidently committed to the creation of a large surface parking lot, extending from the Downtown Loop to the Durham County Line, "real near I-540". The lot will evidently serve as Park-n'-Ride Lot F. Sources were less clear on what the airport planned to contribute, but, at the insistence of County Manager MR Pufnstuf appeared "nearly almost ready" to commit to, once a month, compelling flight attendants to say "Welcome to Durham" when a plane lands.


Park and Ride "F"

--==$%%->Front of DPAC "perfect place for a digital billboard"
The Derm Starchamber of Commerce stepped up advocacy efforts for digital billboards last week, issuing a proclamation that the front of the DPAC represented the "perfect place for a shiny, bright digital billboard," along with at least three sides of the Starchamber's home, the blue-glass Durham Centre of Solitude. Reportedly, the front of the DPAC will show ads for a variety of products, except on performance nights, when it will camouflage the front of the building with "an undiverse populace streaming in and out" to make visitors from Raleigh more comfortable in Durham. The board of Downtown Durham Disintegrated (DDD) were staunchly non-committal regarding the plan.



-@#$%->Bennett Place "perfect name for a development"
A consortium of downtown developers are evidently close to finalizing a deal with the State of North Carolina to redevelop state historic site Bennett Place as a "high end residential condominium project." As part of the deal with the state, the developers will actually build a single condominium unit within the Bennett farmhouse, accompanied by a 386-space parking garage. When asked why they chose the site, a development manager from downtown developer Superstitious Properties zeroed in on the name, saying "It already had one of those generic, milquetoast, inoffensive development-ish names - we didn't have to spend any time rethinking that." A group from Yellowwater Development evidently dug a 3 mile deep well on the site, and "found some cool."

-{":?->Dook University to Complete Master Plan with Catapults, Moat
Dook University announced the final stages of its campus master plan, which would involve the installation of "1920s era replica medieval" catapults, a moat, and, according to at least one source, boiling (recycled) oil. Dook reports that the number of marauders from Castle Derm has steadily increased, despite efforts not-to-be-seen behind large willow oaks. The university is evidently prepared to start construction of the defenses along County Maxwell, longtime Castle Derm land that Dook has recently claimed as its own.

-*&^-> Local Developer Rethinks 'Uptown Skanky' project
Local developer Soft Charmin decided Tuesday to pull the plug on his controversial 'Uptown Skanky' project over longstanding concerns that Durham did not, in fact, have an Uptown. The project was slated to be a unique mixed use development featuring venerable downtown mainstay 'Pleasers Palace' as an anchor first-floor retail tenant. Readers will recall that noted regional business and marital aid purveyor Ada and Steve was initially rumored to be the anchor tenant in the project, but pulled out over concerns regarding having their name associated with "that part of town." Charmin regretted that the project would not move forward, but noted that it had been an uphill battle to understand just which 43 sections of the UDO would apply to the development when the team wasn't exactly sure where the project was located. In the end, he noted that the perceived lengthy distance from local houses of worship was the final nail in the coffin for the retail tenant.

-**(&(->Blog Roundup
Bull City Sizing announced today the acquisition of a network of 14 satellites in geostationary orbit above the Triangle which will stream Durham-centric news 24 hours a day, as well as 87 of "those cool little biplanes" which will tow digital banners displaying alternating text saying "It's Durham-Raleigh to you, b****" and "Bull City Sizing." Representatives of BCS were reportedly working on technology to directly update the brains of Durham citizens with the latest Dermtwitter.
Carp Derm reportedly located a taco truck in the far stall of the women's restroom at the Durham County Courthouse. The sopes were evidently "a bit astringent."
Dependable Erectorset returned to the blogosphere with the announcement that the "best song ever is nothing you've ever heard of, *******"
Endampened Durham is reportedly searching for a "deeper shade of black" for the ED blog background, accompanied by "markedly greyer text" in preparation for expansion to a set of franchised blogs which will bring equal doses of depression and historical minutiae "Triangle-Wide." Crumbling Chapel Hill, Razed Raleigh, Mashed Morrisville, Hammered Hillsborough, and, simply "Cary" will debut "super soon."

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